Barbara's Banter

The psychological use of the word closure usually refers to experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event. Many want to be able to pinpoint this conclusion instead of feeling a sense of ambiguity, so they express the need for closure. This need for closure varies depending on personalities, but for many not having the closure they think they need prevents them from moving on.

Unfortunately we can’t always have closure – at least not the way we want it. Because there are areas of our lives we cannot control. However, we can control whether or not we allow certain events to hold us captive for the rest of our lives. This makes a real difference in how we live our lives. Do we cope? Do we become bitter or better? Do we move forward?

Here are a few examples of events beyond our control:

• Your twenty year old son dies in an unexpected car accident.
• Your mother always favored your brother over you.
• Someone breaks up with you and won’t tell you why.
• A friend has a grudge against you and won’t tell you what you’ve done to upset him.

You cannot bring a child back to life and tell them how much you love them once they are gone. To forever live under the guilt of words unspoken keeps you in a world of regret. “If only I had done this or if only I hadn’t said that” are destructive thoughts because you can’t go back and change it. You can however determine not to let another day go by without telling a loved one how much you love them.

You cannot make a parent acknowledge their injustice to you if they don’t see it. You cannot make someone see what they don’t see or don’t want to see. If your parents were abusive you may decide to sever your relationship with them. After you become a parent you may decide your parents just did the best they could so you will love them anyway. Either way you can definitely be determined not to make the same mistakes with your own children.

You cannot force someone to love you. If he/she doesn’t love you, then let him/her go. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care for you. Decide what you can learn from the situation. Next time you might want to look for someone who wants to share his/her feelings if that is important to you.

You cannot make people tell you what is bothering them if they refuse to talk to you. If you have apologized for what you’ve done or what they think you’ve done, then what more can you do? In the future choose friends who care as much about how you feel, as you care about how they feel.

Closure is not about altering the past. Closure is not about changing others. Closure is not about pretending bad things didn’t happen. Closure does not mean something disappears. Closure doesn’t mean you block out a painful memory. True closure is about moving on. And in order to move forward we need to let go of things in our past that would prevent that – things that hold us captive: guilt, regret, unfulfilled expectations, loss, and whatever it is that keeps us thinking we can’t be happy unless we get what we want.

Sometimes this kind of closure seems impossible, but with Christ all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

In Philippians 3:11-13 Paul says he knows he falls short in being the ideal Christian but through Christ he is able to let go of what lies in the past and move towards what God holds for him in the future. We need to press forward. If we are moving forward, we will have to leave some things behind. One of those things may have to be our idea of closure.

Many live under the assumption that everyone they meet should like them.  I have no such unrealistic expectations.  How could everyone like me?  After all, I don’t like everyone I meet.  This includes Christians and non Christians.  Of course, as Christians, I think we should make an effort to get along with everyone, including (or should I say especially) each other, even if we don’t see eye to eye on everything.  However, there is no need to put ourselves in situations where we come in constant contact with someone we don’t work well with if we have other options.

Such was the case with Paul and Barnabas.

Both Paul and Barnabas were dedicated servants of God.  After Paul’s conversion he had a difficult time convincing Christians of his sincerity.  And rightly so!  Was this not the man who had been a vicious persecutor of Christians?  It was Barnabas who persuaded the disciples to give him a chance (Acts 9:26) and a friendship formed between the two of them.  They even went on a missionary journey together.

Joining them on this journey was Barnabas’ cousin John Mark (Colossians 4:10).  For some reason John Mark decided to return home to Jerusalem (Acts 13:13), while Paul and Barnabas completed the mission.  John Mark’s decision did not set well with Paul.  When another missionary trip was planned and Barnabas suggested taking John Mark again, Paul balked at the thought.  So much so that a “sharp contention” developed between the two of them (Acts 15:36-41).  They couldn’t reach an agreement, so they agreed to disagree and split up.  Paul took Silas on his journey, while Barnabas went with John Mark.

Now here were two servants of God who couldn’t agree on an issue.  This wasn’t a deep theological or doctrinal concern, yet it was a difference of opinion on how to proceed with the work of God.  They decided to go their separate ways.  We hear nothing about them bad mouthing each other or putting one another down.  They merely agreed to disagree.

The Bible says nothing about who was right and who was wrong in this instance.  Some commentaries say Paul was too stubborn.  Perhaps, but others feel Paul was guided by logic while warm hearted Barnabas was influenced by John Mark being family.  Both Paul and Barnabas were praying to the same God for guidance and both reached a different conclusion. The point is that in some situations there isn’t a right or wrong – just a different point of view.

We hear nothing about Paul and Barnabas working together again.  Yet years later Paul mentions Barnabas fondly in 1 Corinthians 9:6 as co-workers for Christ.  It seems Paul and Barnabas maintained a mutual respect for one another, which is difficult to do even when you agree to disagree with someone.

Paul even had a change of heart about John Mark.  In 2 Timothy 4:11 he says, “Get Mark and bring him with you, for he is useful to me for ministering.”  Circumstances change and so do people.  How many of us find ourselves eventually valuing someone we once had little regard for?

Because we all have different strengths and weaknesses, not everyone we meet is going to like us, nor are we going to like everyone we meet.  And no matter how hard we try we will not get along with everyone.  The sooner we realize that, the better off we’ll be.  But developing the art of agreeing to disagree can avoid conflict, prevent hasty conclusions, and allow time to reevaluate situations.  We don’t have to eye to eye on every issue to live heart to heart.

Perhaps no book in the past few years has captured the heart of the public like Paul Young’s The Shack, which is about a man rediscovering God and his faith after the murder of his daughter. Originally written just for friends and family, those who read it encouraged Paul to have it published, but neither secular nor religious publishers were interested. Then pastors Wayne Jacobsen and Brad Cummings decided to form Windblown Media with the sole purpose of publishing this book. It sold a million copies within the first year, mostly by word of mouth. When Hachette Book Group made a deal with Windblown Media to market and distribute The Shack, sales really took off.

Now over 12 million copies have been sold. The trio of Young, Jacobsen, and Cummings has made more money than they could have ever imagined.

From the very beginning The Shack has not been without controversy. Christian leaders like Chuck Colson, R. Albert Mohler, Jr., Norman Geisler, and Mark Driscoll have criticized it for everything from heresy to theological problems to graven imagery. However, that didn’t seem to stop sales.

Young never intended the book to be a theological text or treatise on the trinity. It is, after all, fiction. Even the title is a metaphor for the places you get stuck, hurt, or damaged in life. The Shack is full of interesting analogies, poetic license, and premises designed to make you think. It is no more factual than Dan Brown’s theories in The Da Vinci Code, whom many thought were true.

Now it seems The Shack has other problems. Last November Young filed a lawsuit against Jacobsen, Cummings, Windblown Media and Hachette claiming he is owed $8 million in lost royalties in addition to the over $10 million he has already received. For anyone having their finger in the “money pie” connected with The Shack, this year has been filled with lawsuits, counter suits, accusations, and disputes. Of course, all those involved think they are right and everyone has a different opinion and point of view.

The scriptural passage that comes to mind is 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 which speaks of how sad it is when Christians sue each other and go to courts of the land instead of God for their justice. Do they not know our country’s judicial system is not so much about justice anymore as it is about winning and losing? Unfortunately the real losers in this situation are the non Christians who once again see Christians unable to solve differences in a Christian like manner. (Matthew5:25, 39, 40)

One would have hoped Young, Jacobsen, and Cummings could have chosen a Christian arbitrator that they all respected to help with their grievances. It seems like we Christians are very good at interpreting scripture for others, but not ourselves – especially in the area of money. The Bible warns that the love of money has the ability to bring out the worst in us. (1 Timothy 6:10)

Most of us will not be faced with that particular challenge, but we will have others. A Christian’s faith is on trial every day. As the old saying goes, “If you were accused of being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?”

As for The Shack, sales continue to rise in spite of the attacks. That’s good – because they are going to need a lot more money to pay all the lawyers!

You’ve heard it said a hundred times: “Let go and let God.” To which you have probably replied, “Easier said than done!”

It’s so hard to know what to hold onto in life and what to let go. We are like junk collectors hoping something we hang onto will be a priceless antique – only to find out when the PBS Antique Road Show expert makes his evaluation, it’s just junk after all.

Since it’s hard to determine when to let go in life, we tend to hold onto everything. It’s easier to hold on than to make the mistake of letting go of the wrong thing or letting go at the wrong time. So emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually we hang onto everything. We reason that we may need it someday, so better just keep it.

We pay a heavy price hanging on to things we should let go of. We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. Eventually we become like the camel whose back was broken with a piece of straw. Although the straw was light, it was just one weight too many.

The sad part is that we as Christians don’t have to hold onto much of anything. Christ bears our burdens. (1 Peter 5:7) We can truly let go and let God

What are some things we are hanging onto so tightly that God could carry for us if we would just let go? Is it anger, grief, the past, fear, a broken heart, disappointment, or disillusionment? Or is it dealing with a difficult co-worker, boss, spouse, child, friend, or job situation? Could it be old habits, illness, hate, a grudge, doctrines, depression, sadness, pride, vanity, greed, or turmoil? Or perhaps it’s feelings of hurt, superiority, inferiority, jealous, envy, confusion, frustration, guilt, shame, desperation, hopelessness, or helplessness? Maybe it’s being compulsive or controlling.

The list is endless!

If we turn our troubles over to God, he may not take them all away, but he makes them bearable. (1 Corinthians 10:13) After all, sometimes God calms the storm, but sometimes the storm rages and he calms the child. As a child of God, either way, we benefit.

Only God can give us peace. This peace from God is what makes life bearable. However, we can never have it, if we don’t let go.

If beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder what do I see when I “behold” myself in the mirror? Usually I see an older, slightly overweight, flawed individual whose gray roots are badly in need of a touch up. Most of us feel we fall short because we live in an airbrushed society obsessed with physical beauty. It’s bound to influence how we look at ourselves and how we look at others.

If you try to set someone up on a blind date the first thing he might ask is, “What does she look like?” You might say, “She’s nice, intelligent, well groomed, has a sense of humor, and just won the Nobel Peace Prize,” but they will still say, “Sure, but what does she look like?” Let’s face it, magazines don’t run issues of the 50 wittiest people in the world; it’s always the 50 sexiest men or 50 most beautiful women.

It’s true that beauty is subjective. Different people have various ideas about what they consider beautiful for beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unfortunately most of us “beholders” have been bombarded with digitally enhanced images through television, movies, and magazines. Media has determined what is beautiful and we have subliminally been programmed to buy their idea of beauty. To them the phrase “inner beauty” is just another way of saying “uggglllyyy!”

Although difficult, we need to think of beauty the same way God does. Nowhere do we see God using outward appearance to determine someone’s beauty. In fact he cautions us against using such criteria for judging another’s worth. When God’s prophet Samuel was looking for the next king of Israel among the sons of Jesse, he thought he’d found the right one. So much so that when he looked at Jesse’s son Eliab he said, “Surely the Lord’s anointed stands here before the Lord.” (1 Samuel 16:6)

However, God had other ideas. In I Samuel 16:7 God said, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.” In other words, it didn’t matter if this guy was one the 50 hunkiest men in the world and looked like he should be a king; God was looking for something else which he finally found in Eliab’s kid brother David – a lowly shepherd.

God went on to say, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” Try telling that to People Magazine!

Perhaps we should start beholding beauty the same way God does. He’s not looking at a person’s shiny blonde hair, blemish free skin, slim hips, and new Prada shoes. He finds a heart full of the fruits of his spirit more appealing. (Galatians 5:22-23)

When we look for the beauty in others do we look for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control? When God beholds beauty he doesn’t look for something that is “skin-deep.” He goes much deeper – into a person’s very heart. Like Helen Keller said, “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen…they must be felt with the heart.” Great perception, don’t you think? Especially, since it came from a blind woman who knew how to behold the beauty all around her.

I love live theater. In movie or television films they have a million retakes and an editing staff to get the perfect finished product. You can watch final celluloid time after time and nothing will change. The script is delivered the same. The background is always the same. The lighting is the same.

Live theater on the other hand is constantly changing. Each night there is a different audience. The mood of the actors might change since they feed off the energy projected from an audience. The lighting guy may miss a mark. An actor may misread a cue. A mike might short out. All dynamics are in constant flux.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t go to a live show in hopes of something going wrong. Rather, when something doesn’t go as planned I marvel at the talent and quick reflexes of performers to go with the flow, recover from mishaps, turn a negative into a positive, not miss a beat and continue. After all, the show must go on. An audience member actually experiences a live show with the actors, feeling more like a participant than an observer. You can go to the same live show again and again, and each performance will be different.

I’ve seen many live performers through the years – everyone from an eighty-year-old Bob Hope who could still deliver an impeccable laugh line to Colm Wilkinson whose rendition of Bring Him Home in Les Miz never failed to leave me breathless. But I love local theater as well and the talent there can be just as phenomenal.

San Jose, CA has a new place to enjoy live theater at an affordable price called the Retro Dome. It’s really an old movie theater that’s been slightly remodeled to accommodate live productions. I’ve been to a few performances there and highly recommend it. The talent is fantastic and the shows family friendly.

A few weeks ago we had a girls’ afternoon out. A few of us did lunch at Mimi’s and caught a matinee of The Andrews Sisters, a live show tracing the life and times of the famous trio from the 40s and 50s. Imagine our surprise when Maxine slightly tripped on one of the steps during a song and dance routine. The audience gasped but Maxine continued on, only missing a couple of beats before she caught up with Patty and Lavern. When they took their bows at the end of the show, Maxine got the most applause! What a trooper!

Has our society as a whole lost the ability to enjoy a live performance? It seems like we want everything perfect. Let’s take President Obama’s inauguration for example. The world class string quartet consisting of Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo Ma, Anthony McGill and Gabriela Montero – played instruments to pre-recorded music. Jennifer Hudson lip synced our national anthem at the Super Bowl. A seven year old girl had to lip sync at the opening Olympic ceremonies in 2008 because the real singer wasn’t considered pretty enough. I don’t blame these performers for wanting to appear flawless. I blame fans who expect perfection. Just being good is not good enough anymore.
I’m not saying we as fans should lower our expectations, but perhaps modify them slightly. If you live in a digitally altered voice pitch, air brushed photo, computer generated special effects world long enough, you become out of touch with reality. This spills over into our work and family lives. Our expectations become higher than what anyone can deliver.
I love live theater. It helps me stay real. Learning to enjoy some of the imperfections that come with life can help one keep perspective. After all, whether perfect or not, the show and life must go on!

When Lee Kravitz was laid off from his job as editor of Parade magazine he decided to reassess his life.  Although just fifty-four, this self-professed workaholic discovered he had become disconnected from people in his life that really mattered to him.  These thoughts were triggered while looking through a box of mementoes, reflecting on the things he should have done, but didn’t.  With his wife’s blessing, Kravitz decided to devote the next year to completing unfinished business, which resulted in his book Unfinished Business: One Man’s Extraordinary Year of Trying to Do the Right Things. 

Kravitz traveled the world, seeking out those he felt he needed to see.  He visited an old friend who is now a monk, repaid a $600 loan to another, forgave a high school bully, reconnected with a mentally ill aunt, fulfilled a promise to an underprivileged boy, said thank you to a teacher who mentored him, and the list goes on.  Along the way he met some interesting people which opened doors for more personal and spiritual growth.

In a Reader’s Digest interview Kravitz says, “Every experience was just so much richer than I could have imagined.  I rediscovered the parts of myself that were compassionate, sensitive, and adventurous.”     

Kravitz must have had a hefty severance or an advance on his book in order to be able to afford to take a year for this mission.  Most of us don’t have that kind of time or money, but this book is a reminder not to neglect those who are most important to us.  We don’t need lots of money to make a phone call, write a note of appreciation, send a sympathy card, email a friend, repay a kindness, or just say the words “I’m sorry” or “thank you.” 

The great apostle Paul was not above being appreciative.  In a letter to the Romans Paul takes the time to openly thank those who held a special place in his heart. (Romans 16:1-16)  This is not just a list of names for Paul takes the time to mention why these people are special to him. Phoebe had been a help to many people including Him.  Priscilla and Aquila risked their lives for him. Andronicus and Junia were in prison with him.  Rufus was like a mother to him. 

Not only was he appreciative of what they had done for him, but for what they had done for the church.  Epaenetus, Urband, Stachys, Apelles, etc. were fellow workers approved by Christ.  And he was not above giving praise to women during an historical time when women were more to be seen than heard.  Mary, Persius, Tryphena, Tryphosa (maybe they were twins?), and so on – all worked hard in the Lord.   

How many of us have been touched by the lives of others but neglect to let them know?  We don’t have to wait for years to go by or to be laid off going through a memory box to have an epiphany like Kravitz did.  If special friends and certain family members are important to us we can develop a daily habit of letting them know.  Some ideas might be writing a note of appreciation, visiting a sick friend, sending a card of encouragement, repaying a debt, forgiving an oversight, making amends, reconnecting, or just telling someone you love them.  You might not get a book deal out of it and make lots of money, but your life will be richer for the effort.

Author A.J. Jacobs decided he would try to live according to the Bible for a whole year.  He wrote his experiences in the book The Year of Living Biblically.  Being Jewish the first thing on his agenda was to get a Bible, which was no small feat considering he found 3000 versions in English alone.  There was a Bible for Dummies, the waterproof Outdoor Bible, a teen Bible, Children’s Bible, the Message, a text speak version along with the 500 or more “traditional” versions such as NIV, NKJ, NRS, NC, NAS, RS, LB, and so on.   

Which leads one to believe that the Bible could possibly be the most mistranslated and misquoted book in history.

Now I realize there is some argument for continuing to make new translations and revising old ones so people can read the Word of God in their contemporary languages.  One can’t just put his head in the sand and say, “If the King James was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.”  (It’s a joke.  Get it.  The King James wasn’t around during Jesus’ time.  Actually it wasn’t even the translation the Puritans brought with them to America.  They read the Geneva Bible.)  Other translations existed but the King James was the first translation more accessible to the common man.  Published in 1611, the King James Version has become the most widely read version.  More translations started appearing in the 1800s.  

Having many translations can be a blessing and a curse.  While it is nice to have an easy to read Bible in a language one can readily understand, all these different translations can create controversy and sometimes cause division in the body of Christ.  Not to mention that no matter how diligent translators are, there is no way they can be totally accurate.  Some Hebrew and Greek words don’t translate well into other languages.  Even the understanding in those languages could be questionable seeing that the Bible was written from right to left, and with no punctuation, paragraph or scripture divisions.  Will we ever be able to understand every context, every nuance, or every interpretation of the Bible?  Do we need to? 

One has to wonder how the gospel got around before it was published and given out by the Gideons.  (It’s a joke!  I love the Gideons and think they do a great work.)  Yet during the time of Christ, even before the published word was readily accessible to everyone, many believed on Him and converted to Christianity.  The accounts of his crucifixion, resurrection and what he represented spread throughout nations – mostly by word of mouth.  Most missionaries are not armed with hundreds of Bible translations, yet they manage to point people to Christ anyway.  God works in mysterious ways.

Do all these translations muddle the message?  Today one might think that with all these translations there is no hope of knowing what the Word of God really says.  I don’t think that’s true if you center on the core issues.  The main message is the plain message.  God loves us.  He sent his son Jesus to die for us.  Jesus rose from the dead.  His victory over death is our victory as well.  Everything else is peripheral.  The fact that people can believe in Christ in spite of 3000 versions of the Bible floating around is miraculous.  One that translates well in any language!

My husband and I have had the privilege of visiting countries steeped in ancient history such as Greece, Italy, Turkey, Egypt, Spain, and China.  However, no matter where we travel, we are always thankful to get back home to America.  We have freedoms and blessings other countries envy.  America is GREAT!

Although America’s age seems small in comparison to other countries, it is rich none-the-less.  America fought and gained freedom from British rule, survived a devastating civil war, plus has helped others fight for freedom as well.  Her history may be small, but her heritage is mighty.    

As we celebrate Independence Day (Fourth of July) we should reflect on how miraculous it was to win that war with the British in 1776.  We were outnumbered, less experienced in military operations, and weary in battle.  Yet we prevailed and our nation grew into a greatness that was beyond even her comprehension.          

In the 1830s the famous French political philosopher and author, Alexis deTocqueville, visited our nation to find out more about her greatness.  He traveled the land, interviewed people, observed the military, looked at Congress, and studied the Constitution.  The result was his book Democracy in America.  He found America a country steeped in Christianity, with Christian morality the same everywhere.  He wrote that the spirit of freedom and the spirit of religion seemed to pursue the same course in America which was diametrically opposite to what he experienced in France. 

This is not surprising since America has a spiritual foundation woven into her historical tapestry.  The first act the Puritans performed when landing at Plymouth Rock was to kneel, thank God, and dedicate this new colony to him.  The song My Country ‘Tis of Thee was written by a minister (Samuel Francis Smith). Our Pledge of Allegiance was written by a minister (Francis Bellamy).  The words “In God We Trust” was placed on our currency due to the efforts of a minister (W.R. Watkinson).  The list could go on and on.

Could this devotion to God hold the key to why America is great?   Psalm 33:12 says, “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord…”   

Today America’s Christianity is flawed and fragmented.  Christianity has always been a bit flawed.  Anything humans touch becomes flawed.  We won’t get it totally right until Christ returns and reveals our errors.  And as we grew in population it was only natural that we would become more fragmented.  However, this does not negate the fact that God is the one who has blessed us above all other nations.  If we ever let go of that reality, our blessings and our greatness could cease to exist.

Nobody loves a trivia tidbit more than I do. I pride myself on being a vacuum of useless knowledge. That’s why I find Herb Reich’s book Don’t You Believe It!: Exposing the Myths Behind 250 Commonly Believed Fallacies both exhilarating and depressing at the same time. It is a dilemma. Because as much I love boring people with obscure information, I like for my unusual facts to be accurate.

I like believing that…

• P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
• Doubleday invented baseball.
• Cleopatra was Egyptian.
• Charles Lindberg was the first man to fly across the Atlantic.
• Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag.

I even like believing George Washington said, “I cannot tell a lie,” when he admitted chopping down a cherry tree, but I would be wrong on all counts. Washington didn’t even wear wooden false teeth. I haven’t been this disillusioned since the time I found out Paul Revere wasn’t the only one making that famous ride announcing, “The British are coming! The British are coming!” William Dawes and Samuel Prescott were there, too.

How does so much misinformation get circulated? As much as I would like to blame the Internet, most of these misconceptions took root long before modern technology. Blame old wives’ tales, myths, legends, hucksters, or a skewed view of an historic event. Most historians don’t intend to deceive. They, like us, tend to view happenings from their/our perspectives. Add to that some faulty memories, and presto – you have a flawed trivia tidbit to be taught in schools, cited in newspapers, and passed down for generations to come.

In the case of Paul Revere I can’t help but think he gets all the credit because of Longfellow’s poem “Listen my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.” It’s easier to rhyme “Revere” than “Prescott.”

Not only do people have some historic misconceptions, but they have some Biblical ones as well. Many believe the Bible tells us that the fruit Adam and Eve ate was an apple, all the animals that entered the ark came two by two, only three wise men visited the Christ child, Mary Magdalene was a prostitute, and money is the root of all evil. They, too, would be wrong.

I guess the only comfort I have with my modern trivia turmoil is my outdated, useless information will still let me win at Trivial Pursuit. That is, until they update the game with the truth! I doubt that will happen anytime soon. It takes years, even centuries to spread misconceptions – and much, much more time to correct them!