Studies show that those who master the art of forgiveness live longer, healthier lives. Psychologists, doctors, and scientists are embracing an idea considered mostly theological in the past. Although formulating a forgiving attitude is easier in theory than in principle, it might be easier to foster forgiveness if we know what forgiveness is NOT.
Forgetting Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgetting can possibly come with time but it doesn’t happen in an instant – like some sort of spiritual amnesia that kicks in when we say the magic words, “I forgive you.” Our minds just don’t work that way. Asking someone to forget child abuse or injustice is unrealistic. Dealing with it is one thing, forgetting it is quite another.
Trusting Forgiveness is not automatically giving total trust again. Suppose a dear friend betrays a confidence but says, “I’m sorry.” You can forgive the friend for the harm caused but to immediately trust him/her again with a secret would be foolish. Trust is like a bank account people build with you. It might be wise to only give them as much as they have deposited – especially if they have misused your trust before. When they wipe the fund out, they start from scratch. Trust is built gradually and given when a person proves to be trustworthy.
Condoning Forgiveness is not condoning what was done. It doesn’t approve of bad behavior. Recently my daughter was in a group when someone told an offensive joke. As jokes go, many times we don’t even know it will be inappropriate until the punch line. She did not reproach the individual but neither did she laugh. The joke teller came over to her later and apologized privately. He was waiting for her to say, “That’s okay,” but she didn’t – because it wasn’t okay. What the guy did was offensive. However she did say, “I accept your apology.” Granted what many of us have to forgive runs much deeper than an off color joke but the principle remains the same.
Pretending Forgiveness is not pretending you weren’t hurt or upset. That would be denial not forgiveness. Wearing a fake smile and pretending something didn’t happen doesn’t make it go away. “Smile though your heart is breaking” may make dandy lyrics but it won’t keep your heart from breaking.
Preventing Accountability Forgiveness is not preventing someone from being held accountable. One could forgive a thief who stole from him but the thief might have to do jail time just the same. Choosing to testify against a thief in a court of law doesn’t negate forgiveness. It could prevent him from stealing from someone else. Behavior has consequences. It isn’t always in the best interest of a person not to have to face consequences.
Reconciliation Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation can grow from forgiveness but it isn’t the immediate result. You don’t instantly say, “Okay, now we’re all friends again. Let’s be happy.”
Weakness Forgiveness is not weakness. It doesn’t mean you let everyone walk all over you and take whatever life has to dish out. You don’t have to be a martyr for the cause. You can be a forgiving person and still have the ability to say, “No!”
Restoration Forgiveness is not restoration with full benefits to a former position. It’s true the prodigal son was welcomed home by his father. They killed the fatted calf and partied ’til the other cows came home but his inheritance was gone. He shot his wad. It could well have been a case of “we love you, dearie, but you spent your money, honey!”
Conditional Forgiveness is not something you do just so God will forgive you. That’s like doing the right thing for the wrong reason such as repenting just so you won’t go to hell. God doesn’t want us to be good just so he won’t zap us. He wants us to do good from the heart. This is one of the main differences between the old and new covenant.
Earned Forgiveness is not given only to those who apologize or those who earn it. The majority of people you might need to forgive may never acknowledge they’ve done you wrong. Perhaps they don’t even care. We can’t play the “if only” game. I would forgive them “if only” they would say they’re sorry or admit what they did. Sure it might make forgiveness easier but it doesn’t give us license not to forgive if they don’t. Christ’s example teaches us this. “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing (Luke 23:34).”
Easy Forgiveness is not easy. God has forgiven us and we need to forgive others, but no one said it would be easy. Most worthwhile endeavors are not easy. However, God is willing to aid in this process if we ask Him for help. Fostering forgiveness becomes a little easier when we know what forgiveness is NOT – and we ask for God’s help.
